


Haphephobia

by cazmalfoy



Category: Glee
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Good Guy Sebastian, Haphephobia, Hurt Kurt, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Past Kurt Hummel/Blaine Anderson - Freeform, Phobia of touching, Phobias, Present Tense, kurtbastian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8029033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazmalfoy/pseuds/cazmalfoy
Summary: Kurt has a phobia of being touched. Some days are good - some days, not so much.
No one has ever understood. Not really. No one until Sebastian Smythe, that is.





	Haphephobia

**Author's Note:**

> Haphephobia: _Haphephobia (also known as aphephobia, haphophobia, hapnophobia, haptephobia, haptophobia, thixophobia) is a rare specific phobia that involves the fear of touching or of being touched._
> 
> *** WARNING ***
> 
> This story contains mentions of panic attacks due to a phobia, and the use of medication to minimise the impact of a phobia. If this is a trigger for you, please proceed with caution.
> 
> This story is meant for entertainment purposes only, and was a writing exercise I set myself. No offence if meant to suffers of Haphephobia; I just wanted to write something with a bit of angst and fluff at the same time.

Kurt hates being touched. 

He's not sure where the phobia originates from. His shrink says it’s a combination of the trauma of losing his mom, being physically bullied at school and the fear of not being able to touch who he wants because of his sexuality. 

Kurt's not sure how much of that he believes. He doesn't remember there ever being a time when he  _ could _ stand physical contact with another person. It seems highly unlikely that he’s developed it as a result of those things.

Burt doesn't understand. Not really. Kurt knows he doesn't. He tries, but it's hard. 

Blaine still thinks that Kurt’s problem is because he avoids touch. Their relationship hadn't lasted after Kurt’s insistence that he wasn't going to be cured. 

Sebastian is… Life with Sebastian is tricky. It shouldn't work. Even ignoring Kurt’s phobia, he's a bitch and more than willing to push any and of all Sebastian’s buttons. Sebastian relishes in doing the same to him in return. He knows exactly how to hurt Kurt.

They’re the same in almost every way.

Maybe the reason it works is  _ because _ Sebastian is exactly the same. He's a manipulative bastard with a scathing tongue, and so is Kurt.

In complete opposition, Sebastian’s also the kindest, most understanding person Kurt has ever met. He knows exactly how much physical contact Kurt can take, how much he can push him past his comfort zone and, when the thought of being touched makes Kurt sick, Sebastian knows when to back off and make things better in other ways. 

Mostly through cooking. If there's one thing the Frenchman is amazing at - it's definitely cooking. 

When Kurt had broken up with Blaine, he had been positive that his life had been over. He had been adamant that he would never find  _ the one.  _ He was destined for a life of loneliness.

Then Sebastian had fallen in his lap - quite literally - and Kurt finds himself falling in love with the other man more and more each day.

They’ve been dating for five years now, and living together for almost three. Sometimes, when Kurt is alone with his thoughts, he can’t help thinking; Sebastian was the one he’s been looking for.

_ He’s the one _ .

***

Kurt has good days - amazing days, really - where he feels like a fully functioning member of society. He can touch Sebastian as much as he likes, and Sebastian can return the favour without worrying about triggering a panic attack.

There are bad days when Kurt can just about get through. He grits his teeth as people touch him against his will, before he goes home and breaks down. Sebastian is usually the only one who can make these days better.

The really bad days are the worst. They are the days where Kurt can’t even stand to be in the same room as another person, never mind being touched by them. Sebastian still tries to make him feel better on these days, but eventually he’s forced to admit defeat and wait for Kurt’s anti-anxiety drugs to kick in.

Today is a bad day. Sebastian realises it immediately when he walks through the door; Kurt can tell. Over the years, Sebastian has become an expert in reading Kurt’s mood in the few seconds after he arrives home.

“Hey, babe,” Sebastian greets. There's a carefulness to his voice that makes Kurt feel guilty. Sebastian deserves better than this. He deserves better than a boyfriend who's afraid to touch him eighty percent of the time. 

Yet still Sebastian comes back to him. Continues to deal with all the rubbish Kurt piles on him, with minimal complaining.

This would be where normal couples kiss in greeting. Sebastian doesn't even try. Instead, he reaches out a hand; hovers three inches away from Kurt's arm - the closest Kurt can stand on a bad day. 

On a really bad day it's even worse.  

“I’m going to get dinner started,” Sebastian tells him, but it’s the words he doesn’t say that Kurt hears.  _ Are you okay? Is there anything you need me to do _ ?

Kurt tries to smile, finds it a tiny bit easier than he expects. “Thank you,” he whispers, trying to put everything he feels for the other man into those words.  _ I love you. I couldn’t survive this without you.  _ “I’m going to take a bath.” 

On a bad day, even the feel of the shower’s water against his skin makes Kurt fell like he’s being punched by a thousand different people. A bubble bath is the only thing that stands a chance at restoring Kurt’s sense of normality.

Well, besides Sebastian.

Sebastian smiles a little sadly as he nods his head and Kurt can feel his eyes on him as he leaves the room. He can’t look back. He can’t stand to see the look he’s put on his boyfriend's face. The sadness at not being able to help.

***

It’s not long before the smell of Sebastian’s cooking fills their two-bedroom apartment. Kurt’s stomach grumbles and he chuckles to himself. His boyfriend has made Chinese food; Kurt’s favourite.

Kurt steps out of the now cool tub and quickly towel dries himself. He pulls on a pair of Sebastian’s sweat pants and an old t-shirt of his, before he makes his way through the apartment.

Sebastian stands in the middle of the kitchen, hips swaying to music only he can hear in his mind. He’s changed from his suit into loose jeans and a button down plaid shirt. Kurt has no idea where the shirt has come from and makes a mental note to burn it when Sebastian is asleep.

Kurt doesn’t say anything for a few minutes; just stands in the doorway, watching the other man. He looks so carefree and… happy, Kurt thinks to himself. Kurt wishes he was more like Sebastian; to be able to go wherever he wants without having to worry about other people.

This is as far as Kurt’s thoughts get before Sebastian turns around and spots him watching. “Hey!” he greets. A genuinely happy smile spreads across his face. “I made Chinese!” He sounds so proud of himself, Kurt thinks in amusement.

The smile on Kurt’s face, though not as wide as Sebastian’s, is no less genuine as Kurt steps further into the room. “I noticed,” he murmurs, eyeing the pots in amusement. Like he suspects, they are filled with all  _ his  _ favourites. “Thank you,” he whispers and takes a step closer to Sebastian. 

They don’t touch, but Kurt knows by looking at Sebastian’s face that he  _ knows _ . He knows Kurt would if he could.

Sebastian flashes him a grin; he understands perfectly what Kurt is trying to say.

“I was wondering where those sweatpants had gone,” Sebastian comments, easily keeping the conversation flowing as he begins ladling the food into different bowls.

Kurt chuckles and slips around Sebastian, reaching into the fridge for a bottle of wine. He chooses white; it’s Sebastian’s favourite and the least Kurt can do for his boyfriend. “If you let me keep them, I’ll let you keep the shirt,” he bargains, turning his nose up slightly.

Sebastian snorts and rolls his eyes. “Thank you, my darling fashionista,” he retorts sarcastically. He kicks the oven closed as he finishes and looks around in satisfaction. “What do you think?” he asks Kurt.

“Everything looks perfect,” Kurt answers immediately. His eyes never move away from Sebastian.

The other man rolls his eyes. “You didn’t even look at the food,” he points out, his lips forming an adorable pout.

Kurt smiles. “Like I said,” he retorts. “Everything looks perfect.”

Sebastian’s answering grin and blush is enough to make some of the heaviness lift from Kurt’s chest.

***

Soon, all the food is gone and they’ve polished off the bottle of wine, before relocating to the couch to watch a movie. Even though they sit on opposite ends of the couch, Kurt thinks it still feels intimate. He’s not sure whether Sebastian feels the same, and he doesn’t dare ask.

It’s nearing midnight before Sebastian admits defeat; he’s been trying to keep his eyes open for over an hour. “I’m going to bed,” he says softly, getting to his feet and glancing down at Kurt. There’s a question in his voice, which makes Kurt angry with himself all over again.  _ Will you spend the night with me? _

Kurt looks up at him and smiles sadly. “I’m going to stay up for a bit,” he replies.  _ I can’t. I’m sorry. _

Though he probably tries, Sebastian’s too tired and can’t keep the defeated look from his face. But he still nods his head understandingly. “Night, babe,” he whispers, hovering his hand over Kurt’s shoulder, before he heads toward their bedroom.

Kurt watches him go; wants nothing more than to follow him. But his anxiety doesn’t let him. “Night, Bas,” he whispers, just before the door closes behind Sebastian.

***

They have a second bedroom – a guest room – which doubles as Kurt’s own room on the bad days. In the three years he and Sebastian have been living together, they’ve developed a way of sleeping in the same bed that doesn’t trigger Kurt’s phobia. It’s only on a bad day that the coping mechanisms Kurt has doesn’t work.

Instead of sleeping next to his gorgeous boyfriend like he wants to, Kurt eventually slides under the covers of the too-large guest bed. Nothing feels right without Sebastian there and the sound of his even breathing filling the room.

Kurt lies back against the pillows and stares up at the ceiling through the dark. He tries to focus on Sebastian and how the former Warbler makes him feel, but now that he’s all alone, all he can think about it is what happened earlier. 

An evacuation at work. It was only a drill. Nothing too spectacular. It hadn’t been the first of its kind, and Kurt knew it shouldn’t have triggered his phobia. But there had been problems with the evacuation; one of the fire doors hadn’t opened properly, and people hadn’t been able to get out. The longer they had remained in the stairwell, waiting for the doors to open, the more people had piled into the small space, and the more they had pressed against each other. The more they had pressed against Kurt.

By the time the doors had been opened, Kurt had been ready to pass out. He hadn’t stopped shaking since.

With a huff, Kurt rolls onto his side. He hadn’t stopped shaking until he’d gotten home. One look at Sebastian had stopped everything.

He doesn’t know how long he lays there; it could be five minutes, it could be five hours.

Eventually, he decides he can’t take it any more. Slowly, Kurt throws the covers back and climbs out of the bed. He shouldn’t be in the guest room. He has an amazing super-king size, four poster bed that had been custom made to his own specifications (Sebastian had insisted), and it was currently only being occupied by one of them.

Their bedroom door is still open a little; Sebastian’s silent invitation for Kurt to join him is painfully obvious. Kurt slips into the room and feels his breath catch in his chest. Through the dim light, he can see Sebastian lying on his side, facing away from Kurt’s side of the bed and the door.

As he stands there, Kurt is struck by the feeling of how  _ little  _ he wants to leave. He wants to stay in here – this room – with Sebastian for the entire night. Sebastian will make everything perfect again, Kurt knows it.

Decision made for him, Kurt silently steps across the room and pulls back the covers on his side of the bed. Sebastian doesn’t stir as Kurt climbs into the bed.

Kurt shuffles closer to his boyfriend, pressing himself against the other man’s back with only the slightest of hesitation. He lets out a soft sigh of contentment at the feeling of the other’s skin against his own.

As soon as he feels Kurt’s arms around him, Sebastian stirs and murmurs, “‘urt?”

Kurt smiles and presses a kiss to the side of Sebastian’s neck. “Shh,” he whispers. He rests his head on the pillow beside Sebastian. “Go back to sleep.”

Sebastian shifts a little in response, burrowing himself further into Kurt’s embrace. “Love you,” he states sleepily. He laces their fingers together where they lie against his stomach.

“I love you too,” Kurt answers squeezing Sebastian’s fingers as he closes his eyes.

Tomorrow - later today - they will wake up and Kurt will have to take his medication. It could be a good day. It could be a bad day. But it doesn’t matter to Kurt, not really.

As long as Sebastian is there for him, Kurt knows he’ll be able to get through everything one day at a time.

***


End file.
